An introduction....pt.2 >>read pt 1-5 in sequence for the whole story <<

1980

I am with my mother in town. We are at that place we go to every sunday. I know the way back to the station afterwards so I run ahead and wait at the bottom of the hill like i always do. But where's mom?.I wait and wait and wait. Where is she? I run back up the hill, she's no where to be seen. I go in to the station. She didn't get downstairs without me surely. She would wait for me, start to look for me. Let me run up the hill again maybe she stopped somewhere on the way to fix something in my brothers pram. I panic. I can't find her. I start to cry. Did she leave on the train without even noticing that I was gone?....two people walk towards me. A man and a woman of undetermined age. They ask if I am OK. I say yes I am. Don't go with strangers I know this. They stand on each side of me and say we will help you. Are you lost come with us. i don't want to go I know what to do i just need to get to the station and wait there until my mother shows up. or I can ask the person at the station to call the police to look for my mother. They insist....blank...I am in a kitchen somewhere one of the voices say to me do you hear the police sirens? That's your mother looking for you. She called the police. She's coming to pick you up now get dressed to go and meet her...blank...I am at the station with my mother. I am angry why did she leave me all on my own? She doesn't even seem upset about it at all? We go home on the train as always.

Side note: (I later ask her about the event she doesn't seem to remember it ever happening?)

Nightmares. The same thing over and over. Something is chasing me. I have to fly to get away. I can't fly. I have to keep running. Up the stairs. Jump over the rail, I fall like a feather down down down. I know it's there at the bottom of the stairs waiting for me...I wake up. I hide my head under the cover. Oh no! I need the toilet. To afraid to reach out to turn the light on. Call mom. Just do it! I wisper mom. Count silently to three..moM!!! MOOOOOOM!!! MOOOM!!. She comes. I go toilet. Go back to sleep in my mothers bed. Same as every night that I can remember at that age I can remember.

Side note: I've aksed my mother about that too and she doesn't seem to remember me having very many night mares as a child?

Since the day i got caught on my own in a station elevator I am scared of getting stuck and being in enclosed spaces.

I am hiding in a cupboard. I'm getting too tall to hide in there but it feels good. I feel protected in here. I can think clearly. I start to feel claustrofobic in there. Can't really remember how I got in there but I need to get out NOW! I get out. it is cool outside, fresh air. I never want to get into a cupboard again.

I am stuck inbetween my duvet and the duvet cover. It happens alot. I don't knwo why i climb in there in the fist place but i always end up getting stuck. Unable to get out. Feels like i can't breath. MOM! She comes and helps me out.

Mirrors. They are scary when it is dark. And windows too. I have to cover them. Don't look at them in the dark. Feels like I am being watched. Close the curtains. That's better.

I wake up at night. Feels like someone's watching me. I "know" there's someone in my doorway. To afraid to look. Head under cover, turn to the wall with an opening at my mouth and nose to breath, to get fresh air. Nothings gonna happen if i just fall asleep. I wait and wait. I feel it is there. I am tense. I get a cramp in my legs. I need to move. Which way shold i turn so that it doesn't notice? Must make sure every bit of my body is under the cover. I turn over slowly. Make a breathing hole and fall asleep finally!

I'm at preschool. We play families. I am a boy called Peter. I am 10 years old. I am allways a boy called Peter who is 10. I know what it is like to be a boy called Peter that is 10. I don't know how to pretend to be anything else. When we play. I don't know any ten year olds. I don't know anyone called Peter either.

Fast forward 1983
We are moving to a new home. We arrive and the next day I go out to see what friends there are to meet. I am easy that way. I make friends easy. I am not afraid or shy. Strange I know this place. I have been here before. I see some kids a bit younger than I. I ask their names. Strange I know these kids. I have met them before? This whole scenario has happened before! That whole year has happenend before....

fast forward to c.a. 1990

I still have nightmares almost every night. I am very afraid of the dark. I hate mirrors at night. I have to cover them. Same with windows. They have to be covered. Trees outside my windows are scary at night. Trees at night are scary. I am not afraid of people. They don't scare me at all. Although there are some rought ones where I live i don't mind. They don't so anything. It's the other things I am afraid of. The things you can not see but sense. Those that follow you and watches you at night. That haunts your dreams. Those are the scary ones. I don't go to the toilet in the middle of the night. I sleep with a light on. I sleep with my head under the cover.

I wake up. It's the middle of the night. Oh no! I am lying on my back. I can't move. My eyes are open. I am looking at my door. It's open but only to show a small gap between the door and the doorway. I know I closed the door before I went to sleep. I can't sleep with the door open. It has to be shut. Something's there...outside the door...watching me....wanting me to notice....to get scared.... Got to get out of paralysis. I know what to do. Just close my eyes. Relax...relax....relax....I'm out of paralysis. Don't open the eyes. Just turn over and go back to sleep....



...To be continued